I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
