sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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