Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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