hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
