It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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