He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
