I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
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I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
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We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear