Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
