Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
