Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
