Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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