dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My breasts were aching with rage.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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