I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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