i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
