Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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