it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
