That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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