In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
