Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
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just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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