I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
