my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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