some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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