i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
