so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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