I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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