i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
