The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
