It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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