I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
