I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
