she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's blow job season.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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