How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
