If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
