I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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