Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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