there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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