i already hear my dad disowning me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
