Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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