Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
