Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
