Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
