I think I won the penis lottery.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
