You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost