youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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