I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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