go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we're making bets on your personal life
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
