Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
