Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dignity is for republicans.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
