so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
what day is it and did you see me today?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
