so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
