I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
