if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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