The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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