South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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