Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
