I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
