Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
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It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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