she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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