The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
