she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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