If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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