I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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