did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
